Shit Vegan AKA Yeah baby I like it raw

It was going to be so easy- vegetables don’t have feelings

There are no nerve endings in their peelings

But the first night I became vegan I morphed into a wanton killer

The first night I became vegan, I microwaved a caterpillar



So it’s not like I rung the neck of a Turkey

Or turned cows into beef Jerky

Or marshaled pigs into an abattoir

Or hit a pheasant with my car

Or removed all my light fittings and instead suspended legs of Parma ham

But when you’re a Vegan, killing anything is not part of the plan



But there it was, a dead caterpillar, one less butterfly

Cooked from the inside out and left to mummify

I looked for signs of life, but it was totally desiccated

Slammed in the Breville 460 and then utterly cremated



But this was not beginner’s bad luck- no- the carnage had just begun

It was like the bugs were Western Europe and I was Atilla The Hun

Turns out I had marauding tendencies- no creepy crawlie was beyond my reach

In just one year I’d killed the entire cast of James and The Giant Peach

I was guilty of genocide, guilty of insecticide

I couldn’t keep track of all the bugs that died

And they came on mass

As if my kitchen was Dignitas


Now you may mock and talk of extra protein

But now every time I cook I’ll listen out for a scream

In case some wily ant or dozy fly

Has crept inside my lettuce to die

Because while I don’t do meat or dairy, eggs or fish

I’ll make exceptions for bugs with a death wish